Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
