I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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