News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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