Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
