P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
