My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
