she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I need moral support for this bender
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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