PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
