i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
It's blow job season.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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