i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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