At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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