Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
