i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
