i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Randomize
