i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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