This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
