Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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