...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
