I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
