you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
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She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
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Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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