I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
