I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
you inspire me to be a worse person
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Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
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Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY