If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.