Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst