I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
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Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
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I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..