Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
