Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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