We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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