mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
