oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
