I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
