Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
