Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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