i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
