So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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