I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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