my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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