i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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