I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
