the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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