I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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