What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
