Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
