i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
