new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
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I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
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Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.