Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack