awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.