That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.