I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day