thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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