if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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