im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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