i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
