I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
