I wish my penis had an off switch
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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