Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
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Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
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"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
What's dad's email?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.