i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
