I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
