peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
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I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
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I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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