im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
