bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that