In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
