Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
