he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
