remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
