he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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