Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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